Five Things a Father Can Give His Children

The Lord laid it on my heart this morning to speak about five things a father can contribute to his children. And with each of these thoughts, I am going to choose a passage of Scripture. Five things a father can contribute to the lives of his children, and one of the passages I want to use is found in Isaiah 49, which tells us about the character of God. I am going to tell you what they are quickly so that you have them there, and then I will develop them one by one.

Number one, one thing a father can provide for his children is to model the love of God the Father—to be a model, an example, and an embodiment of the love of the Heavenly Father. To model the Father’s love.

Number two, to model a balanced masculinity, which we have already talked about a little.

Number three, to provide instruction and counsel through the moments of life, and obviously we are not going to have time to develop all these things. Each one could be a sermon, but provide instruction and counsel.

I forgot one before that: after modeling the Father’s love, provide security and confidence, stability, a sense of personal security.

I spoke about balanced masculinity, instruction and counsel, and finally, number five, model a passion for God and His Word; model, embody, and exemplify passion for God, His Word, His Kingdom, and the things of God.

Let us look at the first one: modeling the love of the Heavenly Father. There in Isaiah chapter 49, God speaks to His people, Israel—an unfaithful, ungrateful people who had not treated the Father as the Father deserved. Nevertheless, in a context in which God expresses His sorrow over them and says that He was going to scatter them throughout the world as punishment for their bad behavior, in verse 14 He says:

“…But Zion said”—in other words, the Jews are saying this about God—“The Lord has forsaken me, and the Lord has forgotten me…” Because of the punishment that has come upon the life of the nation for its idolatry, they think, “God has forgotten me now; He has left me.” And look at how God speaks to those children. He says to them: “…Can a woman forget the child she bore and cease to have compassion on the son of her womb? Even though she may forget, I will never forget you.”

Wow! How difficult it is for a mother, for a woman, to forget, disregard, or detach herself from the fruit of her womb. God says, “Look, even if a mother were to violate her most powerful biological instinct, even if that were to happen, I will never forget you.” He says, “Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of My hands.”

That is, like a tattoo—it is more than a tattoo—I have you engraved on the palms of My hands, as if to say, “I see you every day.” How many times do you see the palm of your hand? I have you engraved on the palm of My hands. Your walls are always before Me; that is, in My memory, in My recollection, in My spiritual vision, I always see the walls of your city, Jerusalem. And the walls represented, as it were, the very essence of the people. So He says, “Look, your walls are always in My memory; they never leave My memory.” That is, God promises His people that He will always remember them. No matter what happens in the life of His people, no matter what they do, He will never disregard them.

And I want you always to remember that this is what we must exemplify with our children: that constancy. I believe that one of the things about the Father’s love is precisely that it is a constant, unconditional love, and our children need to know that. They need to know that they can trust in their father’s love—speaking specifically of fathers. Fathers—and I say this to myself—may our children always be confident that, no matter what happens, this father will always love them, remember them, and walk with them. We must provide our children with that sense of continual security.

In Deuteronomy chapter 31, verses 6 and 7, the Lord speaks to the Hebrew people and specifically to Joshua, although He also says it to all the people: “Be strong and take courage; do not fear or be afraid of them”—in the context of a battle—“for the Lord your God is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” It then says that Moses called Joshua and said to him in the presence of all Israel, “Be strong and courageous, for you will enter with this people into the land that the Lord swore to their fathers He would give them, and you will cause them to inherit it. And the Lord goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be intimidated…”

There is a connection here, in this assurance that they can trust that the Lord goes with them. God tells His people many times, “I will not leave you or forsake you.” In one of the beautiful psalms that the Word gives us, the psalmist says, “Though my father and my mother forsake me, the Lord will nevertheless take me in…”

That is the love of the Heavenly Father. And that is the love we know is there. We have a Father who never abandons us, never leaves us, and never disregards us, and we must exemplify that toward our children as well, because it gives children a sense of security and stability. That is why the Lord says, “Do not fear or be intimidated.” A child who knows that he has his father’s love as almost a contractual commitment can be confident. That gives children a sense of security.

In the world in which we live today, where there is so much divorce, for example, children feel insecure, and many children are hurting, and their sense of confidence in the world… Children identify the world with their home and their home with the world. If their home is unstable, if they do not know whether Dad and Mom are going to stay together, if there is uncertainty about the stability of the home, that damages a child’s emotional perspective.

But if a child knows that his father is committed to them… And I believe that fathers specifically—obviously, many of these things apply to mothers as well; of course they do—but God has given the father a very special role. I believe that masculine figure definitely signifies protection in a child’s heart: physical protection, security, a refuge. And I believe that our children’s knowing that they can count on our love at all times is a tremendous source of security.

And I encourage our fathers to remember that about the love of God: it is an unconditional love, a constant love that inspires confidence in children. And much of what I am saying here in these thoughts also has to do with divorce nowadays, let us say. I think many fathers believe, “Well, I am a father, but that does not take away my privileges as a man or as an individual, and if at some point I fall out of love with my spouse and find something else that interests me more, then I can leave her, because no one can command the heart.” And there are plenty of cheap, overly romantic notions going around that teach us that if you no longer feel love emotionally, then you no longer have an obligation. That is a diabolical lie, and it has sown so much harm in the world.

I believe that when a person becomes a father or a husband, when one enters married life or parenthood, one loses many rights and gains other rights. For one thing, a person no longer belongs to himself; one undertakes a commitment to that child one brings into the world, for example. And one now has an obligation that conditions the decisions one makes. I believe that this is one of the terrible things about our time: people think, “Well, no, it is all right; we have worked out an arrangement. I visit him on weekends or bring him to my place,” and they believe that with that we have fixed everything. No. That is a stopgap to a certain extent, but I believe that the ideal in raising children is this awareness: my dad knows that he has undertaken a principled commitment, that he will be faithful to my mother, faithful to us, and faithful to the home. I can trust in that, and I can feel secure.

So, brothers, men, men of God, let us understand that when we become fathers, we undertake an obligation that does indeed condition and limit our independence, limit the decisions we make, limit the freedom we have, and limit our freedom of movement, and that there is a commitment to those children, who will be hurt if we leave them. And that should be an incentive for married couples: if there is conflict in your home, if there is discord in your home, do everything possible to heal whatever is wrong in your household so that your home may remain intact. That is very important.

Now, I also say this: by saying this, I do not want to burden my brothers and sisters with guilt. I know that divorces have occurred in all kinds of homes, in all kinds of evangelical Christian families; it has happened. Nevertheless, do everything you can to remain present. If that has happened in your life, do everything you can to be a very important presence in the lives of your children and to heal that situation as much as possible. Be a present father. Let your children know that they have your love unconditionally and that, despite the physical separation, they can count on you one hundred percent in all things. Amen.

That is very important. So, a constant, unconditional love. Another very important thing is that it is a love that always looks ahead and sees the children’s value in the present moment, but also sees what they may become in the future. Always see everything your children may eventually do. If right now your children do not serve the Lord or are not everything you want them to be, God always looks ahead. He was already planning Israel’s restoration; He was planning to bring them back to their nation. God has all of that written in His book, and we too should ensure that our love is also shaped by seeing what our children may become, and not only what they are at this moment.

Always invest in your children with a future vision of greatness, and treat them as what they will become. Treat them as what you want them to become; treat them as what you see prophetically. Speak that into their lives and push them to be as great as you believe and know they can become. Do not limit them or sell them short. Carefully push them to be more and better, because they can become more. Value them and speak to that greatness within them. So, model the Father’s love.

Second, provide security and confidence. This has practically already been covered in the first point, but the father figure does have an incredible capacity to provide that sense of protection, stability, and physical security. I believe that a man does the same thing for his wife as well: he can make her feel safe. That is the role… and in that sense, the man should be a protector. Never physically, emotionally, or verbally abuse your children. Rather, your children are a blessing God has given you; you must be a good steward, a good caretaker of those children, so that they feel safe. When Dad comes home, their security should not end there. Quite the opposite: that sense of security, confidence, and stability should begin because you are with them and you are a source of stability.

Psalm 61, verses 3 and 4. The psalmist says, “For You have been my refuge and a strong tower before the enemy. I will dwell in Your tabernacle forever; I will be safe under the shelter of Your wings…”

The Lord wants us to be like that: sources of security and stability for our children, and figures of love, counsel, consolation, and comfort to them, because that is how we should behave toward them. Providing security, confidence, and stability in the midst of a culture where there is so much divorce, so much separation, and so much uncertainty is very important.

Model the Father’s love; provide security and confidence. Third, something Juan de Jesús has already spoken about very eloquently: modeling a balanced masculinity. First Thessalonians chapter 2 speaks to us about this through the person of the Apostle Paul. Look at how Paul addresses the Thessalonians when he writes to them. He says:

“…For we never used flattering words…”—he is speaking about himself and his leadership style—“…as you know, nor did we cloak greed; God is our witness. Nor did we seek glory from men, either from you or from others, though we could have been a burden to you as Apostles of Christ.”

He is speaking here about a masculinity that can be manipulative, or even dictatorial or selfish. He says, “No, no, we did not behave that way.” He says, “Rather, we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother”—look, he compares himself to a nursing mother, a woman who cares for, nourishes, and watches over the well-being of her children. “Rather, we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother who tenderly cares for her own children. So great is our affection for you that we would have wanted to give you not only the Gospel of God, but also our own lives, because you had become very dear to us…”

Notice there the expression of tenderness and the Apostle’s comparison of himself to a woman, and he says, “I believe that this is how we have conducted ourselves before you.” Look at the expression of fondness, of affection, that Paul uses and at how he compares himself in this way. At times the Word of God compares a father to an eagle, and also to a woman who loves her children, to a mother; all these are expressions the Bible uses to speak about the Father’s love. I definitely believe that being fathers also entails recognizing our feminine side. I know that this is difficult for many of us, but it is important for our children also to see that tender and loving side of their dads, of men. And here Paul expresses the fondness, the affection he has for his children.

I believe that another aspect of modeling a balanced masculinity is that, in the society in which we live, masculinity and the definitions of man and woman are in total flux today. There is no longer any certainty about what constitutes a man or a woman. Let me tell you that it is no longer merely a matter of whether a man should marry a woman or another man, or a woman another woman; we… the society in which we live has moved beyond that to questioning every kind of element having to do with masculinity or femininity.

If a man does not feel like a man, he can also change sex, or at least change physically and have an operation. Nowadays, here in Massachusetts, there is a continual fight over whether a man may enter a women’s restroom if he feels that he is a woman; he may enter a women’s restroom and no one can forbid him from doing so. In schools, if a boy feels that he is a little girl from an early age, the school and the teachers immediately assume that they should begin affirming him in that identity. We are in a world of incredible fluctuation with respect to values, so where can a boy be affirmed in his masculinity? In the home—that is where a boy can receive instruction, and I believe that both mothers and fathers must cooperate in that effort.

There is an element of nature in masculinity; it is inherited biologically through the genes, but there is also a part of masculinity that I believe is strengthened and learned through the father’s example. The boy learns a type of behavior, learns a type of preference, and learns a kind of tone that the father teaches him and that the mother can also reinforce. So, fathers, I believe that in this period of history in which we live, Christian fathers must understand that we are on the defensive. It is no longer enough simply for you to come home at any hour and sit down to watch television, while your son is merely there, and assume that he will learn to be a man and retain his male sexuality simply by osmosis or because he was biologically born that way. There are many threats to healthy masculinity nowadays, and therefore fathers today must be doubly insistent and very intentional about fostering balanced masculinity in our boys.

We have to talk to them about what it means to be a man, not only in sexual terms but in other terms as well. And also about what it means to be a man in terms of courtesy toward women, protecting women, treating women well, not exploiting women, being good husbands, being courteous to girls, and also learning how to court—I do not know whether that word is universal—how to woo, how to treat a woman, how to win a woman over. I believe that many young men today do not know how to treat a young woman in whom they are interested, how to win her over, how to court her, and how to establish a relationship between a man and a woman.

So I believe that we as fathers can help with all of that by modeling a balanced masculinity. And I believe this is important both for little girls and for little boys. You know that a man, a father, influences both a boy’s sexual development and that of his little daughters, because today we know that among the many factors that can cause harm to sexuality and contribute to the development of lesbianism and homosexuality is an abusive father, an intolerant father, a dictatorial father—masculinity out of order, in which the dad becomes an oppressive figure. Then the child, sometimes not knowing how to deal with that, begins to reject the father figure, but also begins to reject the masculinity he sees reflected in the father. Children do not make those distinctions, and so, many times, when they reject their dad, they also reject the masculinity that goes with him. Then they begin to have inner problems concerning their identity and may also end up having problems with their sexual identity.

Now, if they see the father as a healthy figure who is manly but is also generous and kind and who gives and nurtures, that goes a long way toward fostering healthy sexuality in the boy. The same thing happens with a girl. There are many women who have chosen lesbianism, and one reason this happens is an abusive father in the home in his treatment of the mother, for example, or of the children in general. That girl then also begins to reject the male figure. Again, making that strange transference the mind makes, she then begins to renounce the idea of having a relationship with a man and begins to identify with lesbian behavior because she sees men, sees masculinity, as something threatening and objectionable that must be avoided.

And then it is easier to relate to a girl, to a woman, because she does not have those masculine elements that the girl resents—the aggressive elements and all those sorts of things. And all that is needed in this day and age is some insecurity, a crack in a child’s psychological makeup, for that child to encounter someone out there—another young person who is equally confused or who has already had sexual experiences, a teacher, an abusive authority figure at college during an early and formative period of the young person’s life—who also begins to manipulate that child with the evil teachings found today in every educational institution in this country, which can plant a seed in a child who is already weak. The pillars of that child’s femininity or masculinity are weak, and then the collapse comes.

That is why it is so important for our children—sons and daughters—to see in us a father who reflects a masculinity that, while masculine, is not oppressive and maintains a balance, as well as, obviously, the importance of having a man and a woman in the home whenever possible. Of course, a single mother or a father on his own can also do wonders and can make up for any absence, but it requires much more work. How good it is when there is a man and a woman, both modeling this in the home. That is the ideal. That is what God intended when He formed the family. This is very important.

There are many other things, but I think you have some of them there: balanced masculinity; security, confidence, and stability; showing the love of the Heavenly Father.

The fourth thing is to provide ongoing instruction and counsel. Fathers, it is not only Mom who should teach, instruct, and counsel; you are a wonderful source of good teaching. I think of what Proverbs 4, verses 1 through 4, says—notice how this man speaks to his children. It says:

“…Hear, children, the instruction of a father, and pay attention so that you may gain understanding, for I give you good teaching. Do not forsake my law, because I too was my father’s son, tender and the only one in the sight of my mother, and he taught me and said to me: Let your heart retain my words; keep my commandments, and you will live…”

Do you know what I like about that? I can picture this dad sitting there with his son in his study or in the living room, just the two of them, giving his son advice; they are having a conversation. And I love how he opens his heart, makes himself vulnerable, becomes very personal in the instruction he gives, and wins him over through that instruction. And he tells him, look, I too was my father’s son. I like the part that says, ‘tender and the only one in the sight of my mother.’ It seems that he was an only child; that is how the word presents it there. I was tender, and perhaps I was her only son, or she favored me so much and gave me so much that it was as though I were the only one. But at that moment, the dad alludes to his own personal experience.

Many times we are afraid to share our own experiences with our children, and I believe that one of the things that disarms children is when we share with them out of our own experience, when we abandon the idea that we are invulnerable and present… when we stop pretending that we are not afraid, that we know everything, that we are not confused, that we are not sad, and that we are not going through a difficult period of depression or insecurity about something, such as work. Our children also need to know about our experiences and learn from our mistakes. We should not hide our mistakes from them either. We must share these aspects of our lives with them, and that means that if we are going to counsel our children, if we are going to help in their personal development, we have to spend time with them.

Many times, counsel comes through moments when we do things together—play ball together, cook something together, or go to a park together—and in the course of that experience, opportunities arise to share a… This is very different from when you pontificate and preach at the children like a preacher from a distant pulpit. When we are together and can share, more opportunities arise. How did the Lord Jesus Christ teach His disciples? In the course of walking with them, living alongside them, and sharing with them. At those moments, when they saw Him heal a sick person or have mercy on someone who was rejected, He took the opportunity to instruct them, and they saw Him do it.

So I believe that providing counsel and instruction is very important. I have some notes here that I am not going to develop, but first, we need to seek wisdom, ask the Lord to give us understanding, and value a father’s wisdom. I have already said this as well: invest time in your children. And the last thing is that, in this process, if we are going to give counsel, we have to embody it; we have to demonstrate integrity; we have to preach sound morality by living it ourselves.

How am I going to tell my children, look, love God, study the Bible, attend church regularly, if I do not live what I am preaching? That is the terrible thing about being a father: you have to… As with the responsibility of being a pastor, one has to embody it as much as possible. We are not perfect, of course not, but I do not believe our children expect us to be perfect. They do, however, expect to see a man or a woman doing everything possible to live out what he or she preaches and counsels. If you are going to give your children advice, live with integrity and try as much as possible to embody and model what you are teaching them.

The last thing is to model passion for God, His Word, and His Kingdom. The key word there is passion. Joshua 24, verses 14 and 15, is a powerful passage. Toward the end of Joshua’s life, he calls all the people together. He has led them through many great moments in the history of Israel, and now, toward the end of his life, he gives the people some counsel and says to them:

“…Now therefore, fear the LORD and serve Him with integrity and in truth. Put away from among you the gods whom your fathers served on the other side of the river and in Egypt, and serve the LORD…”

Do you see that passion, that commitment? That concern for the honor of the LORD. I see that the great men of God, such as David and others, showed tremendous passion for God and a zeal… In one passage the psalmist says, “Do I not hate, O LORD, those who hate You, and am I not incensed against Your enemies?…”

It is not that you are going to hate in that sense, but David was a man of war and knew what it was to hate, and he was a man of very strong emotions. He says, Lord, I become incensed; I rise up within my inner being against those who… I love You so much… That is why he attacked Goliath, the giant, because Goliath came to insult the glory of God, and David said, “I cannot stand this.” He was just a boy, while all the others were hiding, frightened—his brothers, who were so strong and battle-hardened. This young man said, “How can we stand by when, every day, this giant comes to insult the glory of the Lord? I am willing to give my life.” And when God saw that, He honored him and blessed him greatly.

I have discovered—do you know whom God blesses and how God blesses our homes and sometimes wonderfully sets our mistakes right with our children? In the end, it all comes down to that passion for God. It is not enough merely to respect the things of God, to do something for the Lord from time to time, or to be good citizens of the church. I believe God requires a fierce passion for Him. He is not satisfied with anything less than total love. That is why one of the most important commandments is: You shall love the Lord your God with everything—with your mind, strength, intellect, spirit, soul, everything. God deserves, and is satisfied with, nothing less than a passionate, constant, fierce, and preferential love for Him above all things. And we must exemplify that white-hot love for God.

At the end, in verse 15, it says, “And if it seems evil to you to serve the LORD”—he tells them, look, if you do not like what I am telling you, and if my counsel that you serve the Lord and not idols seems wrong to you—“then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve: whether the gods whom your fathers served when they were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell.” That is your business; I have already given you my counsel, so do whatever you want. Immortal words: “But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD…” Hallelujah!

Your children have to see that decision. Here he even violates grammar: instead of saying “my house and I,” no, “I and my house,” because the first thing is you—the love that you model for the Lord, His Kingdom, and His Word.

Under that call to model passion for your children, so that they may see that unconditional commitment: 1, honor the Lord above all things; 2, maintain a consistent devotional life. It is very important for your children to see you handling the Word, underlining your Bible, reading the Bible. A consistent devotional life is very important; 3, service to the Lord, to His church, and to His Kingdom. Serve and give.

That is why I put the Lord and the church here. Yes, there is something to this: if you love God, you will love His church too. You will love the pillars of your church; you will love the seats in your church; you will love your church’s program; you will love your church’s needs; you will love your church’s ministries. When your church calls you, you show up, because many times we say, oh yes, I love God, but it is as though we love Him in theory. Look, if you love God, you also love the things of God; you love the people of God; you love your congregation. And when your children see that, I promise you that this sensitivity will be imprinted upon their hearts.

Perhaps when they are younger, going through that formative stage and those early years, they may not be such great lovers of the things of God. But I promise you in the name of the Lord that one day you will see him serving God, because you will be inside them. Even after you die, the image of that father who loved the courts of the LORD will pursue them; that virus will be inside them.

Another thing: do not go along with the crowd, but show loyalty to the Lord. “I and my house”—you may do whatever you want, but as for me… an independent love, a steadfast faithfulness.

My brothers, I leave you with these simple counsels. Model the Father’s love, loving as God loves; model security and trust for your children; model a kind and balanced masculinity; provide instruction and counsel; and model passion for God, His Word, His Kingdom, and His church.

Fathers, may the Lord bless you. May the grace of God take root in your hearts, and may we all become fathers like our Heavenly Father. I bless you in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Men, stand up for a moment, and the whole church as well. I believe this is important. I was going to leave it there, but receive this word in the name of Jesus. Bow your heads. If you wish, close your eyes; do something—jump in place—but do something that tells me, and tells the Lord, and tells you and your spirit: I receive this word for my life. Say it within yourself. I place my signature at the end of this teaching. Young men who will be fathers one day, young fathers who are beginning their journey, sign that right now in your spirit. I will model these values in my fatherhood.

And if you have not accomplished everything, if you have not yet been able to reach that height, do not be discouraged; there is still time. Today, right now, may be the moment when you begin a new chapter in your life as a father. Commit yourself right now: I will improve; I will change; I will incorporate these things into my life; I will be a father of principles and not of emotions; I will live by the Book, not by what I may or may not feel; I will live this way because my Father tells me that this is how I must conduct myself. And from this day forward, I will serve the Lord in this way and will be a new and different father. Receive God’s call upon your life.

Father, I bless and impart grace—grace upon grace—upon those of us who have a very difficult task to fulfill. I bless the men of this church in general and the fatherhood of this congregation. In the name of Jesus. And the people of God say, amen. I bless you, my brothers. May the grace of the Lord be with you. Amen.